When anyone becomes a mother, they want one thing. They want their child to feel comfortable with them. They want them to be able to grow up and come to them if they ever need anything. Whether that is because they are in trouble, they made a mistake or if they are going through a hard time. However, we often hear of moms whose children who don’t come to them and they sit there and wonder why?
There is a way to make sure that your child feels comfortable coming to you as a confidant and it starts with little steps throughout your journey together. First off, why do children hide things from their parents? Children hide items and secrets from their parents for a number of reasons. According to HuffPost, there are two main reasons why children can be secretive. They either don’t think their parents will understand of they feel ashamed of what they have done.
Even though you have lived their life at one point, you are an adult and they may feel like you can not relate to what they are going through because you are not at that point in your life anymore. Children rarely see their parents as “humans” and don’t often stop to realize that their parents were children at one point. Teenagers are often guilty of this. If a child feels they have made a mistake, they may keep it from their mom because they are embarrassed or they do not want to get in trouble.
There are a lot of things that mom can do to make sure their child feels safe to come to them. According to Strong 4 Life, the basic “rule” involves knowing your child and understanding how they deal with their emotions. Everyone handles their emotions differently, some like to talk about it and some like to keep it inside for a little bit before opening up. Respect your child’s feelings, no matter which end of this spectrum they fall on. Your child will realize that you are respecting their choice.
This next one may be a bit more difficult, but mom needs to be mindful of how she reacts. This is especially true if your child is coming to you because they made a mistake. It is important for mom to not overreact or show a large emotional response immediately. Mom can practice her reactions in the mirror. If this is implemented as a child is growing up, they won’t grow to “fear” mom’s reaction when they need to confess something.
Another important step is to keep your child’s secrets. Build that trust with your child, and if they come to you with a problem and a secret, keep it. By keeping their secrets, you are showing them that you can be trusted, and they will be more willing to come to you. If a situation arises, and they ask for you not to tell dad, you need to evaluate if this is something that dad needs to know about, or if it can be kept between the two of you. This one can be a bit tricky, and make sure boundaries are set that there may be a time when the secret has to be shared but do it together.
Unfortunately, sometimes omissions of guilt must come with consequences and this is a tricky one. Consequences are usually unpleasant and can make it more likely that a child keeps something from mom. They don’t want to face the consequences of their actions, so they make sure that mom never finds out. When it comes to consequences for actions, try and think logically according to A Fine Parent. If a child makes a large mess, have them clean it up. Think about what would happen if you did something. If you made a mess, your “punishment” would be to clean it up, you wouldn’t send yourself to your room to “think about what you had done.”
Another thing that will grow your child’s trust in you is showing that you are human. It is important for mom to also confide in her child. There are things that children should not know, but if mom is having a bad day, she should talk about it. By including your child in some conversations about your problems, it can help them feel like an “equal” at times when they need help. It may help them see that even mom has problems and needs to talk about it every once in a while. While it may not be a perfect plan, these are ways that can improve the chances that your child comes to you when they have a problem.
Sources: Huff Post, A Fine Parent, Strong 4 Life